At a website dedicated to covering sports, pop culture, and the fascinating intersection between the two, the recent film Him feels like it was meticulously crafted to capture our attention. Directed by Justin Tipping and produced by the acclaimed Jordan Peele, Him portrays the journey of an up-and-coming quarterback, played by Tyriq Withers, who finds himself mentored by a seasoned veteran, Marlon Wayans, at a private training compound. However, as one might expect from Peele's involvement, not everything is as it seems, particularly during the unsettling training sequences teased in the trailers. This unique blend of sports and horror makes Him potentially the first film that can be categorized as sports body horror.
The mere existence of a film like Him is remarkable, especially considering the decline of sports movies in mainstream cinema. This resurgence is worthy of celebration and serves as an perfect opportunity for sports-related blogging. At The Ringer, we have previously delved into various topics such as the plausibility of Air Bud’s athletic feats and the most notorious cheating scandals in sports films. Additionally, other platforms have ranked the greatest fictional athletes in cinema. Given the premise of Him, it seems only logical to discuss the greatest fictional quarterbacks or compile a lineup of iconic football players from renowned sports films like Remember the Titans, Jerry Maguire, and The Longest Yard.
However, there’s no rule stating that we must commemorate the release of Him by focusing solely on fictional athletes or sports movies. After spending nearly a decade immersed in content creation—enough time that someone should have implemented concussion-style protocols—I decided that a straightforward blog about American football in cinema would be too predictable. Instead, let’s pivot: what would be the ultimate football team one could assemble from non-sports movies? The only stipulation for this exercise is to avoid characters with superpowers; after all, where’s the fun in selecting someone like the Flash if they can’t be tackled?
When considering the role of a head coach, it's intriguing to note that planning a heist is not entirely dissimilar to devising a football game plan. A successful coach, much like a skilled heist planner, must adeptly position players based on their strengths and prepare for contingencies. Thus, if I were assembling a football team, I would undoubtedly recruit Danny Ocean (George Clooney) to trade his life of crime for a role on the sidelines. Ocean would excel in free agency, having a knack for assembling effective teams. His meticulous analysis of opposing teams would rival even the best coaches, crafting trick plays that would leave defenses baffled. We might as well start preparing his bust for the Pro Football Hall of Fame.
You might consider this pick a bit unorthodox; however, Point Break features an action hero with a football background. Johnny Utah (Keanu Reeves), a rookie FBI agent, was a quarterback at Ohio State, where he led his team to victory in the Rose Bowl before a serious knee injury derailed his NFL dreams. Despite the setback, Utah showcases impressive athleticism during an epic chase scene. Notably, he also plays beach football while infiltrating a group of bank robbers, demonstrating a quick release and pocket-passing abilities. While his knee injury raises questions about his clutch performance, his potential on the field is undeniable.
For our rushing attack, the obvious choice is Ethan Hunt (Tom Cruise) from the Mission: Impossible franchise. A seasoned action hero, Hunt has spent years saving the world, and a high-stakes football game would likely be a walk in the park for him. He’s enduring, quick, and always on the move. However, Hunt’s physique suggests he’s more suited as a change-of-pace back. For a more traditional running back, we turn to Leatherface (Gunnar Hansen) from The Texas Chain Saw Massacre. His imposing stature and relentless drive would undoubtedly make him a force in short-yardage situations, despite his questionable ball security.
When it comes to wide receivers, we need a blend of speed and agility. Nathaniel “Hawkeye” Poe (Daniel Day-Lewis) from The Last of the Mohicans fits the bill perfectly. His agility and speed during hunts suggest he would excel at running routes. To complement him, I’d select Trinity (Carrie-Anne Moss) from The Matrix. Although she may not be the tallest player on the field, her incredible vertical leap and agility make her a perfect deep-ball threat, creating a dynamic duo with our quarterback, Johnny Utah.
In the tight end position, Kronk from The Emperor’s New Groove is the ideal choice. Standing tall and strong, he not only brings size but can also serve as the team’s cook, providing a dual benefit to our roster.
For our defensive ends, we must include Dutch (Arnold Schwarzenegger) from Predator. His experience facing off against formidable foes makes him a natural fit for overpowering offensive linemen. Additionally, Luke Hobbs (Dwayne Johnson) from the Fast & Furious franchise would add immense strength and agility to our defensive line, proving to be a cheat code on the field.
In the defensive tackle positions, we will double down on Eddie Murphy's iconic roles. Rasputia from Norbit brings a fierce attitude, while Sherman Klump from The Nutty Professor offers intelligence and versatility, potentially playing on both sides of the ball.
For our linebackers, I’m selecting Anders (Alan Ritchson) from The Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare and King Leonidas (Gerard Butler) from 300. Anders’ brute strength combined with Leonidas’ commanding presence on the field would create an impenetrable defensive core.
At cornerback, we need players who can blend skill with tenacity. Once again, Bodhi (Patrick Swayze) from Point Break is an excellent choice, showcasing speed and agility during chase sequences. Additionally, Mollaka from Casino Royale brings parkour skills, making him an agile interceptor.
For our safeties, we need a bit of chaos. The Tasmanian Devil from Looney Tunes: Back in Action is impulsive and unpredictable, while Juno (Natalie Mendoza) from The Descent is a thrill-seeker with a survival instinct that makes her a fierce competitor on the field.
Finally, for our kick returner, we can’t overlook Forrest Gump (Tom Hanks). While Forrest Gump is not primarily a sports movie, Gump played for the University of Alabama under legendary coach Bear Bryant. His ability to sprint at full speed makes him a perfect choice for kick returns.
Last but not least, we have Park Doo-man (Song Kang-ho) from Memories of Murder as our kicker. Despite the film’s dark subject matter, its mix of humor and tension showcases Doo-man’s unexpected skill set, making him a unique addition to our football team.
As we celebrate the release of Him, it’s clear that the boundaries of sports and cinema continue to blur, providing endless opportunities for creativity and imagination. Whether through thrilling narratives or imaginative team compositions, the intersection of sports and film remains a captivating realm for exploration.
