About a year into his role as an interfaith chaplain at Tampa General Hospital in Tampa, Florida, J.S. Park experienced what he describes as profound death anxiety. "I saw all the ways people could be injured, especially working at a trauma center," he explains. This anxiety often crept into his personal life, leading him to think, "This could be the last time I get to hear my wife's laughter or see my children's faces." However, over time, this overwhelming fear of death evolved into a deeper appreciation for the present moment. Park frequently shares his thoughts on this transformative journey on his Instagram, illustrating how the awareness of mortality can enrich our experiences. "When death is on the forefront of your mind, life gains a richer texture," he notes.
Death remains an uncomfortable and often shocking topic for many. However, after a decade of serving as a hospital chaplain—a role he likens to a blend of priest and therapist—Park has learned that discussing death can help us prepare for its inevitable reality. In an interview with Life Kit, Park, the author of As Long As You Need: Permission to Grieve, shares insights about what dying truly looks like and challenges common misconceptions perpetuated by Hollywood. This interview has been edited for clarity and brevity.
Despite the universal nature of death, it is a topic that many shy away from discussing. "Dying is scary," Park acknowledges. He often observes this fear manifest in patients and their families when facing a difficult diagnosis. Family members or healthcare workers may hastily interject with phrases like, "This happened for a reason" or "Everything will be alright." "These platitudes used to enrage me," he admits, as they glossed over the gravity of the situation and the palpable suffering. "But I’ve learned that underneath those words lies existential panic." This collective fear of mortality can lead to awkward and inappropriate comments.
Families are often taken aback by the sounds they hear when visiting a loved one who is dying, particularly the gasping breaths indicative of the body's struggle for oxygen. Park explains, "The body is trying to pull in as much oxygen as it can to keep living, even though it is dying." If a patient is intubated or undergoing a procedure, it's natural for them to exhibit signs of fighting back. He emphasizes the resilience of the body in these moments, noting that families may feel guilt, questioning whether medical interventions are causing pain. "It's essential to listen to those feelings," he advises, "as they can guide decisions about comfort and care."
During the last stages of life, significant changes are often observed. "When someone has been in a hospital for hours, days, or even weeks, they cannot maintain their usual hygiene or exercise," Park explains. Family members may witness a physical deterioration that can be shocking. "It's almost as if the body is trying on death before it fully arrives," he adds, underscoring the importance of understanding the dying process.
Hollywood often depicts dramatic final conversations where individuals make amends, but Park notes that such moments are rare. "People may be kept alive by life support but are often no longer conscious," he states. He encourages families to express their feelings and thoughts to their loved ones while they still can, even if they cannot respond. "One of my best friends, John, died six years ago, and even though I didn't know if he could hear me, I spoke to him about my day," Park recalls. "That was my final conversation with him, and I want to believe he heard everything I said."
When it comes to supporting someone who is dying, Park emphasizes the importance of understanding individual emotional needs. "Everyone has a specific way they want to be emotionally tended to," he explains. It's crucial not to overwhelm the person with questions or burdensome offers like, "If you need anything, let me know." Instead, he suggests offering specific assistance, such as, "I can bring you dinner," which alleviates the burden of having to respond to general inquiries.
To begin contemplating death without becoming obsessed, Park recommends making personal decisions about what death entails for you. "Consider what you want to do with your belongings, your wishes regarding life support, and how you would prefer to die," he advises. He shares poignant examples of patients who expressed desires in their living wills, such as surrounding themselves with family photos or having their pet present for a final goodbye. "These moments of autonomy provide comfort, dignity, and a sense of control in the face of death," he concludes. It’s essential to engage in these discussions sooner rather than later.
For those looking to explore this topic further, the digital story was edited by Meghan Keane, with art direction by Beck Harlan. We invite you to share your thoughts with us. Leave a voicemail at 202-216-9823 or email us at LifeKit@npr.org.