In the latest edition of Slate's sex advice column, "How to Do It," a reader named "Need Help Crossing the Finish Line" shares a personal struggle with erectile dysfunction and anorgasmia, which has significantly impacted his long-term marriage. After 20 years of a fulfilling sex life, he finds himself often unable to achieve orgasm, leaving both him and his wife confused and concerned about their sexual connection.
The reader expresses his worries about his wife's feelings, as she questions whether he is still attracted to her. This situation is compounded by the fact that she feels guilty enjoying orgasms when he cannot. To navigate this sensitive issue, it’s crucial for couples to engage in open and honest communication. The advice given emphasizes the importance of sharing feelings and needs rather than making assumptions.
It is suggested that he express his enjoyment of their sex life and explain that his current condition requires more foreplay and patience. Acknowledging the changes in his body due to diabetes and medications can help his wife understand that he still desires her intimacy, but may need additional support to reach climax. This conversation should focus on maintaining their connection and improving their intimate experiences together.
To rekindle the excitement in their sexual life, he might propose watching pornography together, framing it as a way to enhance their intimacy rather than a substitute for it. This suggestion can open a dialogue about their sexual preferences and desires. It’s essential to remind his wife of the positive outcomes when she takes the lead in their sexual encounters, which can help reignite the passion they once shared.
If progress in their sexual communication remains stagnant, seeking the help of a couples counselor could provide them with the tools to open up further and address their issues more effectively.
In a different scenario, another reader poses a moral question about assisting a friend who is secretly gay and cheating on his wife. The advice provided underscores the ethical implications of enabling infidelity. While understanding the challenges of coming out in a conservative environment, it’s important to recognize that facilitating cheating is not justifiable. The complexities surrounding his friend’s situation should not excuse unethical behavior.
The advice highlights the importance of encouraging honesty and self-acceptance, suggesting that the friend should find alternative solutions to explore his sexuality without compromising his marriage. This scenario serves as a reminder that honesty, even though difficult, is often the best path to take in intimate relationships.
Another reader, "Whacked for Wacking," shares his experience of being accused by his wife of cheating due to his pornography consumption. The advice clarifies that masturbation with the aid of pornography is not equivalent to infidelity, provided there are no prior agreements prohibiting such behavior. This misunderstanding highlights the need for couples to discuss their views on sexual aids openly.
The reader is encouraged to engage his wife in a dialogue about her feelings regarding his porn use and the reasons behind her perception of it as cheating. Understanding her perspective can lead to a healthier conversation about their sexual needs and boundaries, allowing them to navigate their intimacy with greater clarity.
These letters to the How to Do It column reflect the complexities and challenges that can arise in intimate relationships. Whether dealing with health issues, ethical dilemmas, or misunderstandings about sexual preferences, open communication and mutual respect are essential for fostering a healthy sexual relationship. Couples are encouraged to prioritize honesty and seek professional guidance if needed to better understand and support one another in their sexual journeys.
